Sleepless Nights: Season Three and Four
by LE McMurray
Summary: SG1's sleepless nights for Season Three and Four
1. Forever In A Day

Author's Notes:-Thanks To Stonedtoad for betaing.

* * *

Lying here on the couch at Daniel's apartment staring at the ceiling I know one thing.

It's over.

The looking, the searching it's all over.

Sha're is dead.

But for Daniel the agony is just beginning.

x

It wasn't exactly hard to work out what had happened. Staff blast wound to her chest, Teal'c looking guilty as hell. Sam's assessment of 'Oh God' was right.

I didn't want to make him move from there, that would be when the pain would really start but we had to go.

He softly asked me to take her back home; he didn't have the strength to carry her. I handed Teal'c my gun before gently picking up Sha're's body.

Sam helped Daniel to his feet and gave him support as we walked back towards the Stargate.

x

As we walked I took a look at the young woman who my friend has been searching for and just wanted to scream in fury at the Universe.

They didn't deserve this. Daniel and Sha're deserved better. I've never met someone as sweet and as strong as Sha're was and I wish I could change it.

They loved each other so much.

I knew it when we came out of the pyramid after we killed Ra; the way they were attached at the mouth gave it away.

Then that look of absolute adoration they gave each other on Abydos before she was taken told me they were fine and that last kiss. Daniel told me when we were talking one night it was all he could think about when she was taken.

Now she was gone for good.

We were almost there when I heard Sam call to Daniel. Turning I saw him fold to the ground as all his energy left him. Teal'c quickly picked him up and we headed home.

x

I took Sha're to the morgue myself unable to let anyone else take her. There I left strict instructions for them to get rid of all Ammonet's makeup, jewellery and clothing. I wanted everything the Gould wore, every trace of her gone so that when Daniel saw Sha're she looked like the woman he'd married. When Kasuf came to be with her I headed to check on Daniel.

x

I hoped he remembered what had happened for the purely selfish reason; I didn't want to have to tell him. I know I would have if I'd had to but I really didn't want to have to look in his eyes and tell him she was dead.

I didn't have to.

He opened his eyes and looked straight at me.

"She's gone, isn't she?"

When I nodded he just closed his eyes and sighed before he asked to see her. I went with him, just the two of us. Kasuf was waiting and he embraced Daniel in silence before the attendant pulled back the sheet.

She looked like she was sleeping; Daniel gently traced his fingers over her face before he leaned over and softly kissed her. I heard him whisper something but I couldn't understand what he said.

I left him as he tried to get some sleep worried at how much he was shutting down.

x

As I was heading back to the infirmary after the debriefing I could hear him arguing with Janet, begging her to let him go home.

I started to offer to take him back to his apartment and stay with him but that wasn't what he meant.

He meant Abydos.

His home, where his heart belonged and where he felt he belonged.

Sadly Janet refused, she wanted him to rest before the funeral so I brought him back here.

x

He had bought her things.

Clothes, shoes, and stuff she would need if she was staying on Earth.

Gifts too.

Little things he thought she would have liked.

Then I found the small jewellery box. I really wished I hadn't.

Inside were two gold bands, wedding rings.

"I bought them after I saw her on Abydos," he explained quietly, "So she knew when I got her back how much I love her."

He dropped his head before grabbing a small glass bird and hurling it at the wall in pure rage.

He started yelling how unfair it was, cursing everyone and everything from Apophis to me.

Then he crumpled to the floor.

I caught him as he wept for his lost love as all his rage, hate and pain from the past few years came flooding out. I let him cling to me as he grieved unable to do anything but be there for him.

Making him lie down I gave him the sedative Janet had supplied me with to help him sleep.

I just wish she'd added one for me.

The funeral is tomorrow and I just hope to hell he's calmer but I think most of it is out of his system. Now he just has to learn to live again without the hope.

Closing my eyes all I can do is silently promise Sha're I'll take care of him and I'll find Skaara. One of them will survive.

I just hope Daniel can.


	2. Shades Of Gray

Author's Note's:- Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.

* * *

You know it's times like these I really wish I'd done something else with my life. It's been a few hours since my team found out about the deception the Tollan and Asgard insisted I play alone.

I finished my report and couldn't be bothered going home so I'm sitting in the commissary at 3 am drinking coffee, which is like tar and trying to sort out my own head. Pretending to become him again- I just wanted to refuse the request. I left him behind on Ra's ship with that bomb all because of one shy stubborn as hell archaeologist. And now, Daniel barely even looked me in the eye as he let me have it with that straw jibe.

x

Sam and Teal'c they both understood, okay Sam is severely pissed at me and it'll probably take a few days, weeks? of apologies before she'll talk to me without that look of 'you bastard'.

Teal'c nodded in understanding when I apologised to him. Sam nodded as well but still looked annoyed as hell.

Daniel however gave me an angry look and left.

x

Dammit, why did I agree to do this? Oh yes, because I was given no choice.

I saw Daniel's look when I was leaving Earth supposedly for good. He didn't stand in the Gateroom with the others but behind the glass in the control room looking truly confused and troubled. I hurt him badly. Telling him that our friendship had no solid foundation was hard to say but it was worse to see the pain in his eyes. I know how much Daniel depends on our friendship and has since Sha're was taken from him, even more so since she died and because I was trying to keep him and the other two safe I cut it out from under him.

x

Daniel is without a doubt one of the most important people in my life. His refusal to let me kill myself for no reason on Abydos struck me and completely shattered the wall I'd built around my heart.

Of course I was lying when I said our friendship wasn't real, it's the realest thing in my life. Since I lost Charlie and Sara, SG1 has become my family. Teal'c, Sam and Daniel, three people who I would gladly give my life for. Unfortunately I have no idea how I'm going to fix things with Daniel.

When I asked Sam she told me one word, grovel.

I can do that. And I will until Daniel forgives me, no matter how long it takes cause I need him.

I need them all. And THAT Jack O'Neill, son of a bitch, hard-ass undercover operative is gone for good. I don't care what happens I'm never jeopardising the connection I have with those three ever again.


	3. Absolute Power

Author's Notes:-Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.

* * *

You've got to hand it to me; I really can say the dumbest things.

Once again Jack 'How far down my throat can my foot go?' O'Neill opens his big mouth.

It started off as a simple observation then it went somewhere else altogether. I suddenly realised what I was saying, who I was saying it to and more importantly who I was talking about.

I should have just shot myself then and there; it would have been less painful than having Daniel with a dead look flatly finish my sentence.

_"Fathered the child."_

x

Having the kid there was bad enough.

Daniel seems to have been doing okay recently. The first anniversary of her death, one of the hardest times there is, passed quietly with just us two at my house where we talked, where I listened to him and comforted him.

But the kid, HER kid being here just hit him like a ton of bricks.

I know spending time with Shifu made him strangely happy. This was Sha're's child after all and that small connection to her was something he hasn't had in a long time. But Shifu was also a harsh reminder of what that scum-sucking snakehead did to the woman he loved, the woman he still loves.

x

When Shifu had left I went looking for Daniel who had decided to pull one of his brilliant disappearing acts. He used to do it a lot in the early days but we learned his hiding places and didn't leave him alone for long. So Sam and I split up and went searching for him. I finally found him on top of the mountain looking at the stars. One of his favourite things to do is stargazing. It reminds him of happier times, when he was a child and when he was on Abydos.

When I found him I called Sam to tell her she could stop searching and I sat next to him in silence just waiting until he was ready to talk.

x

Finally he spoke. He told me what he dreamed.

It scared him.

Scared him a lot that this knowledge changed him so much. I know he feels he's lost a lot of who he is over the past few years and I've noticed it too.

But nobody could go through what he's been through and stay the same.

His openness towards people isn't the same. He still walks in and expects to make friends; he just doesn't mean it the same.

He's more wary and that makes me sad. That innocence and enthusiasm he once had is gone and nothing can bring it back. A big part of him died with Sha're and as much as I hoped time would heal that wound it hasn't. Finally I managed to persuade him to come back inside and I sent him to get some sleep as I went to do the same. Unfortunately I'm unable to comply with my own order as I think back to what he told me.

x

What sticks in my mind is the way he described what the dreams showed him to become,

a James Bond villain.

At least he laughed at my comment. That gave me a little hope he'll be okay.

Our Daniel Jackson, The Man With The Golden Gould.


End file.
